I want to run into your arms and disappear

We are always going to be ourselves, and i want to be myself in your arms.

I know my nature, and that is to cling. To stay tight and close. I am trying to make it all better for you, and i know that i won’t be able too. I am weak in the area of that for which i want you. To be yours, to always be with you. And i am learning about it. Learning how you want me to be. That i can’t be as clingy. Please give me the chance to make it better. 

We both are hypocrites. In every sense of the word. But we can get better. 

We are losing each other. With you i know what love is, but when we are away i can’t focus anymore. We are growing together. Into what we want to be. I want to be with you. And i am trying to do whatever i can to make it work.

I love you. You have taught me exactly what true love is. It is love that doesn’t always work. You have to fight to hold on. To stay there. You have taught me how to be strong and stable. 

You are My Beautiful. My Strength. My Angel. all of these. 

And I don’t want to lose you.

Together we are flawless. I enjoy every moment that we have together. That we are going to always work well together. And one day, married. You are my purpose, my life, my everything.

And in other news………life sucks here……..

But you make it all better. Make it all happy and good. Thank you my love. For being my love. My Beautiful.

Taking all what others have hassled
Looking back to darker days getting me down
And if this is chaos
I think that I’m in love with clamor
Tides are turning
never understood my undeveloped story
But it makes sense to me, you make sense to me

When it all falls down, I’ll still be right here
When it all falls down, we’ll still be right here

Once in a lifetime, I could feel this way
Once in a lifetime, you could feel it too

Cancel your black subscription
I’m nowhere near a cigarette
And I’m cut clear as you wander
Past this lonely street and wonder
Dance all night, dance all night
The kids are all here, and we’re downtown
We’re past the morning glory
It’s ten past two
and I’m still working on forty

Once in a lifetime, I could feel this way
Once in a lifetime, you could feel it too
Once in a lifetime, I could feel this way
Once in a lifetime, you could feel it…

Dance all night, dance all night
Dance all night, dance all night
Dance all night, dance all night

When it all falls down, I’ll still be right here
When it all falls down, I’ll still be right here

Once in a lifetime, I could feel this way
Once in a lifetime, you could feel it too
Once in a lifetime, I could feel this way
Once in a lifetime, you could feel it…

Dance all night, dance all night
Dance all night, dance all night

The Stupidity of Some

Never before have I seen a person become stupid over a change in their best friend. And a good change at that. She has not changed from where she was in your life. You are the one changing. You feel that you are lower on her “scale of friends”. When in the reality of it, YOU ARE IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE!!!!! How is it that you can try and accuse her of this? How is it that people in your exact same position be fine with it, but you make it seem that the whole fucking world is ending? Nothing has changed between the two of you. The only difference is that I am now in her life. You claim not to be obsessed and that you don’t need him. But the moment something happens or you feel uncomfortable, YOU GO STRAIGHT TO HIM. You are getting upset at the people whom you held close for so long. Nothing has changed but you. Not them. People become happy. They don’t always need you to do it for them. You just want to be the center of attention in their lives and now you aren’t. You are losing control. It isn’t her fault. You talk about “putting chicks before dick”, well here is a concept for you. IF THE CHICK IS THE ONE WITH PROBLEMS WITH HER LIFE, WHY GO TO THE THING CAUSING PAIN. Ever think of that. You have issues. We all have them. If it upsets you that we point them out to you then say something. But I have them, She has them. We all have them. Its called life. You make things so complicated with her that you fail to see how you smother her. She wants all of you to stay with her. Not just Ash and the others. She wants you as well. We told you to get over yourself and all you did was run and hide behind HIM. Not fix it. She is happiest with me now. So what. GET OVER IT. Nothing you can do to change it. If you decide to leave it was your own damn fault. Not hers. When you brought her your problems, it helped her. She enjoyed having them on her plate. Not that it was easy to help them. But that they were there. It isn’t that she is bringing me her problems. But that I either take them away, or there aren’t any at the moment. You need to get it through your ego. YOU ARE IMPORTANT BUT NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT. She understands what is wrong. But you aren’t getting it. You don’t understand how stupid you are being over this. We tried to balance this shit out. Solve your whole damn problem. BUT WE CAN’T BALANCE IT OUT IF YOU KEEP ROCKING THE DAMN BOAT, CAN WE? This is a two way scale you ignorant child. We can’t fix this on our own. You have to get over that she has me now. That you are still number one, But I am above you. Until you do that you are better off gone. You are an idiot for thinking that you could make me disappear now. Mabye in the beginning you might have. But now I am here to stay. And yes, I know that I said I was going to fix her and get out. But things change. Just as you have. So I don’t want to hear any shit about it. If you want to be a hypocrite, TRY LOOKING AT YOUR OWN FUCKING LIFE FIRST!

 

Hey, I want a taste
You’re a black heart devil and I can’t explain
Why I wait for your face
You’re a hotel lover on the back end deal of this race
Every night she seems to change her name
Doesn’t matter who you really are
The back room where we sip champagne
I can never seem to get enough

I ignite
So hold on
Cause we’re about to light it up
It’s on tonight
So hold on
Cause we’re about to… about to light it up

Hey
There’s no mistake
Cause I’m a hard time sinner
With a bullet to waste
And I’ll break… these chains
And hit the clubhouse running with the money to play
I got the whiskey running through my veins
So cut me open, add the fuel to the fire
Your daddy tells you not to play my game
But what I’m sellin’ baby she can’t deny

I ignite
So hold on
Cause we’re about to light it up
It’s on tonight
So hold on
Cause we’re about to…
I ignite
So hold on
Cause we’re about to light it up

It keeps calling my name
I can’t turn it away
We gotta pay to play
Yeahhhhhhh

Your daddy tells you not to play my game
But what I’m sell baby she can’t deny

I ignite
So hold on
Cause we’re about to light it up
It’s on tonight
So hold on
Cause we’re about to…
I ignite
So hold on
Cause we’re about to light it up
It’s on tonight
So hold on
Cause we’re about to light it up
Yeah, so hold on
Cause we’re about to light it up

So hold on
Cause we’re about to…
About to light it up

The Amazing Weekends

Every weekend is the best. Never do i want them to end.

But that isn’t the reason for this one.

I am destroying what it took me many years to build. It was good for all of….2 days….lol. But its all good. I am happy with tearing it down. More happy than I was to build it. He is rather disturbed though. Because He went from being pushed away into the back of my head to “GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE FOR HER NOW!!!” So its been fun. I am slowly tearing it down. Faster than it took to put it up. At the same time I am working on the usual. Maintaining her and our happiness, working to get our rings, keeping myself sane and in line. 

She did something that scared the hell out of me though. She went to Rae’s and crashed the four-wheeler. I just about killed someone. If she were to die or get severely hurt, it would drive the both of us insane. He would kill me and all those around me. I would let him. But she isn’t too badly hurt. So it is all good. =)

But yep, I am happy with life. Content with where I stand in it. 

Because, 

I can’t exaggerate,
How much these entertain,
A space inside my mind,
That I have tried so very hard to find,
It’s hard to comprehend,
Just where this head has been,
A pure form of energy,
That I reached and I grabbed and I pulled and I had,
And I swore, I swore I’d never get this high but look at where I am

I’m feeling more then human,
I feel Unstoppable, I think I just found my cure,
You think it’s just illusions,
Anything’s possible,
Elysium has a door,
And it’s all so unexplainable I know I don’t ever want to leave,

You sit behind your desk,
Waiting for Friday’s check,
Judging, my every word to see what,
What I’m really worth,
Well analyze numbers,
It is no wonder,
Your industry’s slipping away
Cause it’s lead by a man who had nothing to say.

In this life I lead

Saturday was the greatest day I have had in a while. I wish I could replay the whole thing over and over again. But i can’t….. Which kinda sucks. But since I can’t, it only means that 2019 should get here sooner. And at the rate we are going. It will be soon. 

There is no way for me to keep track of time anymore. All of my time is spent wanting her, needing her, wanting more, or enjoying her to the fullest. When we are together, I am consumed. There is nothing in me but her. He throws himself around my head. Enjoying every aspect that I allow him. 

I am now stronger. He can still overpower me. But I have the instant strength that he lacks. If it is a long battle he will win. But if he ever comes out, then I can stop him. He is starting to accept that I need to be in control for it to be better. It builds everything we have. Combines the three of our desires, and allows me to focus them. 

On the ride up, and back, was amazing. I never thought we would get away with it though. ^.^

I was fully consumed 95 percent of that day. 5 percent was when I was getting up. So it doesn’t really count.

 

I desire her more. Need her touch, taste, smell. Everything about her makes me want to live. I can’t do anything without her.

 

We have planned our house. It will be flawless and amazing. I just hope it gets here soon. That time will fly by and allow us to have it.

 

 

A revolution has begun today for me inside
The ultimate defense is to pretend
Revolve around yourself just like an ordinary man
The only other option to forget

Does it feel like we’ve never been alive?
Does it seem like it’s only just begun?

To find yourself just look inside the wreckage of your past
To lose it all you have to do is lie
The policy is set and we are never turning back
It’s time for execution; time to execute
Time for execution; time to execute!

Does it feel like we’ve never been alive?
Does it seem like it’s only just begun?
Does it feel like we’ve never been alive inside?
Does it seem like it’s only just begun?
It’s only just begun

The evolution is coming!
A revolution has begun!
(It has begun!)
The evolution is coming!
A revolution has, yeah!

The evolution is coming!
A revolution has begun!
(It has begun!)
The evolution is coming!
A revolution has, yeah!

I need to breathe

Everything i do. i need you. to breathe, to think. to do anything.

I love you

but you have to fight to stay. i know that i need to be around more. but sometimes i can’t. we have to overcome that. i know that it is hard. and that it hurts occasionally. but it goes both ways.

I can’t bear to watch you walk away, and i know that you feel the same way. but sometimes we need to. we are perfect when it is just us. but the moment other people step into the picture it all goes to hell. but you have to be able to accept them. not let them in, but accept them. if you listen to everything people say then you will be forever lost. They don’t know you anymore, who you are. They just think they do. They think they are better than us, that they know what is good for you. but you have changed and They haven’t seen it. if you let them dissuade you then you will get nowhere. you will always question and worry. think for yourself. don’t let them into your head. 

i know that you want me to do what i want and to be happy, but i am only happy with you, doing what you want to do. i don’t care. i am indifferent with everything. mabye that is my flaw. i don’t know. but either way. 

i love you

This is my sin

I have told once before, “She is the path I never dared walk and You are the path I know so well.”

I have never lied to You. Or Her.

I swore to stay for both of you, but to do so requires both of you to accept something that won’t be accepted by others. I know it will sound wrong and sick. But it is what I truly need. I want to be able to fix everything wrong in both of your life’s. But for me to do that I need to be able to be “Truly Yours”. For both of you. I never wanted to hurt you. The thing that i should do is to leave one of you, and not look back. But my heart will then be torn in half. And part of it will die with the one i leave. I will never be whole again. The part of my heart that died, will have never looked away. I will know what has happened without even having to look. And in turn part, if not all, of me will die. I have the ability to make others happier than they ever dreamed. But it seems that my curse for this gift, is that I have to feed off of other people. I need more than one. One for both of Us. Damian is getting stronger. He is already the stronger one. But now that he grows, I must have more. Thus I have the two of you. One for Aaron, the other for Damian. Damian needs his Dark half, Aaron wants the Light. These hands in my life must be slain. For that I have Damian. He will destroy them for us. But one of the hands must become a person. And for that, I am sorry that i did this to you.

You are winning in this war. Because Damian is in control of my heart right now. Because if Aaron takes it back, all hell will break loose. Aaron’s light is trying to destroy the Dark. But knows that the Dark has to remain for the Light to exist. So Aaron will attempt to do something he knows that he can’t stop when it happens. He plans on making a way for both. But to do that will cause, chaos. In both of you. Damian wants to be able to have both also, but doesn’t want to be a part of the Light that will come. 

If I lose either of you, my heart will die. Damian will be in control. Aaron will die. There will be no control. Damian will be happy. And his happiness will come from others suffering. 

If you threaten suicide or leaving, my heart stops. I can’t breathe. My heart is torn in a way that can’t be fixed. I never want to hear those words. But every time they are said, I know that I will be the one to jump first. Even if you try to beat me there, I can see it in your eyes. Your words. I have grown too smart for this life. But I will always be beside you. Never leaving the main picture. Even if others hate me for it. I have become your picture. 

This never should have happened. But know, It is my fault. Not yours. Or hers. This is my fault. My sin. Don’t leave and I will find a way to fix this. Even if I must destroy a god. I swear, on my life, and the life of Damian, that i will never leave. Never until the words are uttered from your mouth and you truly mean them from your heart. But on that day, that I must leave, I will truly disappear. You will never find me again. Never have to hear my voice except in your nightmares. And for then, you will see my ending. The painting that I have built in my heart. The painting I made for you. 

I ask you to stop fighting your lack of control. To stop fighting for it back. I can give it to you if you ask. Just don’t fight me for it. It causes so much pain. For both of us. 

I am not the Blue Flower you thought I was, but I still think I am a Blue Flower. Even if I am not the only one, I choose to be different and fight for this Love that I have. I will never lose this sight. Even if my sight is taken, I will not lose my way. 

This is the path I choose to walk. If you ever want to leave it, tell me. 

But know that I Love you.

And I Love her.

Neither of you are first anymore. I am both of your “Yours Completly”

Call and I will be here. Die, and I will die with you.

Life….

Life has been ok……….i guess……..

The one I love has been abused……by her dad…….

She was smacked, thrown into her room, and grounded……

I am going insane……..

There are two of us……

Damian and Aaron

Together we are now…….Vritra

Why do i live again……………..

I have caused more pain to so many more people……….

i regret none of what we did……i just regret that it is now hurting them……….

i wish i could fix everything i did wrong……..every flaw i have…..

that i need others pain…..to be happiest…….i love her…….i don’t want to hurt her anymore

if you lived this life

do you think you would survive…..

i walk around. with people who rely on me so heavily that i have become their drug. i have become everything to them. 

what started as a closeness, has ended in a love tragedy.

i wish, that sometimes i could just…disappear…..

but i can’t…..if i did…where would it get me…….and them

i wish i could just snap my fingers and make everything all better……but i can’t……

instead i swore that i would fix you…..instead…….

i gave up everything for you………

can you accept it…..or try to deny my existance……..whatever you do…..

i will still be standing where i have always been…..right beside you……

i know you love me……..more than anything……you love me

and you need me…..like a drug that keeps you sane………

you fear for loss…….and for me………but you must never forget……….

i am not going to go anywhere…….

for anything………

i am going to fix you……and make it all better……